creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
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[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Same post same
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.