My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
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I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.