ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
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I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.