I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy