[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
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My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”