Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.