“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
giddy up Office Depot
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.