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I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?