Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
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I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.