As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
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[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat: