It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
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Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water