He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
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police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!