No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
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I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer