Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Get in loser we’re going crying
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.