[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
*me flirting
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”