Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.