[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
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*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Thursday Thought.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years