Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.