The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.