A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
So, can we agree on 4 or
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends