Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing