[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
You Might Also Like
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I know this now 😂
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister