Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
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haha same
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.