Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?