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My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.