Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
All excellent questions
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.