Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.