If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Anime is real
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.