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Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Every time my phone rings
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
So we got a goldfish…
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind