People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
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Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.