[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
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My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
found my next D&D character name
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
you have three unread messages
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?