Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
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HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous