I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
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*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display