My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
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Big Sex has us all fooled
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.