fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me buying fruit and veg
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.