I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
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They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.