I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong