Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
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• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.