Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out