7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Oh deer
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Something Saturday.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.