Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
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My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Why is no one talking about this?!
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends