this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
When life hands you women, make women laid.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .