Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
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Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
spot the difference
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?