It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
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I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Otters drive ottermobiles.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.