*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
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Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans