I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
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We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u