I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold