stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
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[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out