Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
A friend helps you before you need it
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there