Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Who called it baking and not making love
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.